Today over lunch, I was called out on the blog I wrote about our experience on the Manaslu trail with our guide. According to the guy, it would influence the way people view Nepalese guides overall.

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On defense

My first response was defensive; I didn't agree with what he was saying.

Seeing that it is my blog (obviously), I feel free to share my own experiences and opinions - making it quite personal.

The topics I write about are shaped by my beliefs and the way I perceive situations, which makes it easier to feel like you're under attack if someone doesn't agree with what you write, or if they don't like it.

Going back to the story: he said he was annoyed when reading about my experience with our first guide, as it would cast a bad light on the other guides. He also said he didn't appreciate me using a picture that he appeared in - which, to be fair, is completely understandable - and I agreed to change it. But not before responding that I didn't agree that it would make all guides look bad.

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Open-minded much?

He insisted that it would.

And as I prepared to repeat my initial response and defend my beliefs, something inside me paused. Instead of sticking stubbornly to my own truth, I realized I should ask him why - instead of clinging to my own version of reality.

For the record - I do not want to be a closed-minded person. But the way I immediately defended my opinion - as if it is the one and only truth - did in fact show I was acting as one. If I hold onto my own opinion, without being open to someone else's perspective - in this case, his - how will I ever discover my blind spots or grow?

I believe that everyone sees the world through their own lens - a lens shaped by childhood, family, culture, and (early) experiences. We train our minds to see the world in a particular way, as the beliefs we take on act like filters, coloring how we interpret reality. Even though these are shaped in our younger years, I believe that they can still shift overtime; you can learn, grow and change - if you're willing to do so.

So, I asked him why he thought that. He explained that words are powerful and my blog could negatively influence the way people think about Nepalese guides in general. I still didn’t fully agree. I explained that I had written about one guide - our guide - not about all guides. He disagreed, saying it didn’t sound that way and that it could reflect badly on others too.

At that time, Jet joined us and asked what was going on. I told her he had been reading my blog and felt that my piece would influence the way people perceive guides in Nepal. She agreed with me, saying she didn’t think people would see it that way. He stuck to his opinion - which he is fully entitled to - and as the rest of the group returned, I didn't feel the need to continue the conversation. Probably out of embarrassment - so much for being open-minded...

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Awkward lunch

After everyone returned to the table, having ordered their food, the vibe didn’t feel the same to me anymore. I tried to fake it - fake it till you make it ;) - but I couldn't stop thinking about what he had said. The faking helped a little, because after a while, it really did feel like things were back to normal. I was glad I could actually enjoy being with the group again instead of drowning in my awkwardness.

But after lunch, I needed some time to reflect. It had gotten to me - the way the conversation went, and the way it felt like he was genuinely angry with me.

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Embracing different perspectives

Looking back, I think it would have been better if I had engaged in a real conversation about it. I think I was just too gobsmacked - thinking I was going out for a casual lunch with friends, and ending up in hot water.

Because really, his interpretation of my blog was completely different than mine.
‍And why should my interpretation automatically be the right one? 

There are so many valid ways to interpret the world - and my blog is no exception.
‍Instead of defending myself, why didn’t I dive into his point of view more openly?‍

Setting aside my judgment and making room for his perspective could have created real understanding and connection.
‍And isn't that the real power of empathy?

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Could it be a culture thing?

Now, after writing, thinking and talking about it, I wonder:
Could it also have something to do with cultural differences?

The Netherlands is an individualistic society, where people are expected to look after themselves and their immediate families.
Nobody would naturally assume that one bad experience - or one bad guide - reflects badly on all the others.

But Nepal is a collectivist society, where people belong to tightly knit groups that care for each other in exchange for loyalty. Loyalty is paramount and often overrides other social rules. People in collectivist cultures take responsibility for fellow members of their group - and when one member is criticized, it can feel like a criticism of the group as a whole (check it here).

This would create a completely different lens through which someone reads my blog, wouldn’t it?

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The silver lining

Even though I wasn’t able to fully control my emotions in that moment, I did have a moment of clarity.

In the middle of my defensive reaction, a little voice in my head said that I should ask why, and try to understand. I don't think I tried hard enough - the conversation felt like a personal and angry-ish attack, maybe because his emotions were running high, too. But still, it is definitely progress.

I think by reflecting on this situation, I'm learning from it and maybe that's where growth begins.