Since my love life went up in flames last year, I’ve shut out men and any form of attention that I'm not able to deal with. It’s easy to hang around guys when it’s platonic, but today I experienced how difficult it can be when it’s not.
A crash from the past
About six months ago, my now ex-boyfriend broke up with me. It was somewhat expected, but still one of the most painful experiences of my life.
In the second year of our relationship, his behavior changed drastically. He convinced me - and probably himself at first too- that it was due to his burnout. So I tried to keep myself together, to be the one he could lean on while he got better. I believe that in relationships, you're not always able to give 100%. Sometimes one person carries a little more, and at other times, the other one does.
But things turned sour. He kept on hurting my feelings and my tears didn’t seem to affect him. From where I was standing, it seemed that he only felt sorry for himself. That behavior started tearing me apart, so I told him, hoping it would change - but it didn't. And seeing that I had already let him cross my boundaries, I couldn’t even tell when “enough” was actually enough.
Every time he broke down, I found myself comforting him and promising everything would be okay.
Spoiler: It wasn’t going to be
Turns out he is addicted. Suddenly the secretive nights away, the strange behavior, the lies, even the self-pity - it all made sense. At first I was shocked and thought it'd be best to walk away. But then I figured maybe now he’d finally try to work through his problems, instead of escaping them.
I tried to be there for him, but he shut me out. Weeks went by without a word. I was angry, but then my mum - who’s usually super critical of the people I date - talked some sense into me. She actually backed him. She told me off for how I was handling things, and it made me realize I needed to be on his side, to set aside my own expectations and feelings - because he clearly wasn’t in a place to deal with them.
Eventually, he told me he couldn’t fix a relationship while trying to recover. And while that does make sense, looking back, I believe it was also a convenient way out. I think he was wearing a mask during our time together - trying to be his idea of the “perfect boyfriend.” But pretending to be someone you’re not will break you. And maybe because of that, he never really loved me the way I loved him - and I loved a ghost.
Two sides to each story
Even though I tried to be my best, I know I probably wasn't what he needed. He once told me that he couldn't face me, after everything that had happened - his words, not mine. I wasn't a partner anymore, but a reminder of a painful chapter in his life, and that hurt.
He was in recovery, and I had become a walking, breathing reminder of everything he was trying to leave behind. I couldn't just switch off my own feelings, and at times, they got the better of me. I imagine that must've put a lot of pressure on him too. So, yes, I understand why he might have needed distance.
And even though it may sound like a blame game from my side, I’m pretty sure that I’ve made mistakes too - things I said or did that may have hurt him in return. It wasn’t one-sided.
It’s hard to accept that I wasn’t the support he needed - but maybe neither of us could have been what the other needed at that time. And that’s okay. Everything happens for a reason.
Fast forward
Six or seven months later, here I am traveling through Nepal, focusing on myself, truly not interested in men and genuinely enjoying life with new friends. Most of the guys I’ve met? Instantly friend-zoned. Harsh, maybe - but I'm just not interested in anything more than friendship at the moment, and none of them gave me a reason that made me feel otherwise.
Until today.
Jet and I had gone to dinner with a guy the other day, and later on, he asked me to have dinner with him alone. I was happy to get the invitation - and I did want to go. But I convinced myself not to leave Jet. And really, what would be the point?
Once I told him I wasn’t coming, a wave of disappointment hit me.
Confused in the safe zone
I didn’t quite understand it.
Why was I disappointed?
Am I actually interested in someone - for more than just friendship?
Why am I making this such a big deal?
I told myself these feelings were silly - as I still think they are.
But I had to ask myself… was staying with Jet just the safe choice?
Did I genuinely want to stay, or was I just scared to go?
Why couldn't I casually say yes and just have a fun night?
Jet said it might be tied to the trauma from my last relationship - we’ve talked about it quite a lot now. And she might be right. I haven’t been interested in anyone since then. Now I feel like a headless chicken, unsure of what to do, think or feel.
I probably didn’t go, because I was scared. Scared to be alone with someone who actually intrigued me.
Feeling positive
But honestly? I’m glad I felt something.
I was so sure I was done with men. But it turns out, I’m not completely broken. I’ve still got some feeling left in this frozen heart.
And next time?
I’ll say yes to dinner.
No walls, no hiding. Just me - moving forward.
